I just finished watching For the Colored Girls. That was such a great movies, hands down. It brings out all these emotions and thoughts that us black girls try to bury deep down. Now, see me, I am a very radical thinker at times. Sometimes, well a lot of the times I have my pro-black thoughts. Tonight, I had all of that plus the emotions of a black girl overwhelming me.
I believe that I am a strong Colored female. Don't ask me why I said colored. Actually, people would tell me that. Oh your not black, you just colored. I would look at them like what? They be like aint you Spanish. Me, in the past year, became very pro black culture. So of course I hit em with knowledge, telling them I am black. Yes I have Hispanic in me but Hispanics are of African descent, colonized by the Spaniards, why you think we come in so many shades, just like black people. We were raped by the mother countries, physically and mentally. Thats why there are so many self hating, ignorant black people like Lil Wayne in this world. Not to get off the subject to much (imma save this for another post) but I always had this issues with why black men seem to prefer white or asian women over us, especially white. I figured a lot of reasons, like stability and they won't give em attitude. I watched Malcolm X and in the movie they made a very valid point to why they do. Black men, not all, some, like fairer skin black women and white women because sub-consciously they are obtaining the white man's prize, which is the white woman. So yea thats one I realized among other things.
Back to this movie and being a girl. It was so true. I think every black girl can look at this movie and see pieces of them in each character. The girl who doesn't leave the relationship and refuses to the see she deserves better. The girl who lets this guys keep coming back cuz he promises things will change. We give so much of our power to these guys, and not all these guys are bad, but ehh a lot of them are. Its sad cuz its like we so use to the treatment of black men we dont even see it. They grab at us in the street, saying we so fine and the moment we don't respond, we all types of bitches and slut. If we dont' fuck em we stupid and wack, if we do we sluts. Smh. I believe that our weakness as black girls is our desire to wanna love and receive love. I can definitely admit that its my weakness.
A lot of our fathers aren't in our lives so we have the daddy's girl complex, looking for daddy. See my dad, yea he married a Asian woman, who takes care of him and what not. Thats what theywant. Thank God I have a strong mother who broke that cycle of giving the man the entree and the side. I remember seeing a lot of this growing up. I guess that formeda big part of my personality and my perspective on relationships. I really despise cheaters and liars. I refuse to take car of no man unless there is a mutuality. I am not your servant, ESPECIALLY if you gon' cheat on me and treat me like shit, HELL NOO!! However if you show me love and respect, I would do anything for you, whoever u are lol. I found myself reflecting back on relationship I had and seeing how i was then and now. Not to say, oh, I'm so much more wiser and i know all the answers, cuz thats def not the case. I seen that I've become very shielded and closed heart and strong all wrapped up. Which I really don't know is a good thing. When I talk to guys, I try not to show any emotions or get wrapped up, I guess as a defense mechanism. I had one deep connected relationship that I saw was not good but found myself not wanting to leave it. We try to convince ourselves that it will get better or the person will change, knowing damn well they not. A lot of it is us not wanting to start over or fear that no one else would want us or that "he" is it when its DEFINITELY NOT the case. I've learn that much. The difficult part about that though is trying to apply it when you got of these female emotions in the way. Its a bitch. Then its crazy, cuz now we the scolded, angry black woman that have all this attitude and push them to white women.
Aint life funny smh. My way of just making it thru the day is my determination to be successful. Heartbreak is my biggest motivation. If you do what you gotta do for you, the pain hurts less, in the day, at night, its a different story. I just think about my success and how all those lames hurt me are looking at me now lol. But fa real, its hard to be a girl, even harder to be a black girl.
So this whole week I've been meaning to blog, but I've been busy...or lazy lol. Nah jus busy. So whats been happening? Had the 2nd photoshoot for #DeviantAngels! It went well. I'll post some pics of the behind the scenes. Today I'm headed to Barbados, hopefully the shirts take well there and we get this money!! Oww!
